Fundamental Particles
by lostlikeme
Summary: Amy missed her chance to experiment with other girls when she was in college. Penny makes up for lost opportunities.


FADE IN:

INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

PENNY and AMY are standing in the kitchen sipping margaritas. There's a bottle of liquor on the counter next to three shot glasses.

PENNY

I can't believe Bernadette didn't show.

AMY

I know. Strep throat twice in one month? That's rough.

PENNY

She told me she came down with the flu!

AMY

Why would she lie?

PENNY

(REFILLING HER DRINK) Why do you think?

AMY

(GIGGLING) Maybe she didn't want to be here when we start lezzing out.

PENNY

(SPITTING) What! Why would she think that?

AMY

That is what normally occurs at slumber parties. And now that I'm single… admit it. You can't keep your hands off me.

PENNY

Puh-lease. Have you ever been to a real slumber party?

AMY

No, but I've heard stories. And there was always some kind of homoerotic hanky panky involved!

PENNY

(DOWNING HER DRINK) Maybe once.

AMY

Really? I was just kidding. Are the scantily clad pillow fights for real too?

PENNY

(ROLLING HER EYES) Oh come on! You never made out with a friend when you were a kid?

AMY

When I was a kid the only friend I had was a Furby who never learned to say my name properly. He called me Shamey until I was sixteen, and after a while, I started believing him.

PENNY

That's sad.

AMY

Not as sad as what happened senior year.

PENNY

Do I wanna know?

AMY

Two girls from the cheerleading squad stuffed me inside my cello case and pushed it down the stairs.

PENNY

That's terrible! (THROWING BACK ANOTHER DRINK)

AMY

And I still have the scar on my knee to prove it.

PENNY

Well, since we're sharing shame...I actually did the same thing to a girl at prom. Except the cello case was a toilet and I flushed it at least three times.

AMY

Oh my god. You waterboarded her?

PENNY

She stole my boyfriend!

AMY

I knew you were a bully, but geeze…

PENNY

I was just a stupid kid, and I'm not a bully now!

AMY

I just can't help but think that girl could've been me.

PENNY

Did you ever suck off your best friend's boyfriend in a bathroom during prom?

AMY

No.

PENNY

Then it couldn't have been you.

AMY

I had to get stitches in my knee. Everyone called me Raggedy Amy until I graduated.

PENNY

Maybe I can make it up to you!

AMY

What? I'm not the one you Guantanamo Bay-ed.

PENNY

It's symbolic, duh! You said you never kissed a girl before...

AMY

Maybe I already missed my chance.

PENNY

What do you have to lose? You and Sheldon aren't together anymore.

AMY

That's true, but won't Leonard be upset if he finds out?

PENNY

Upset isn't exactly the right word.

AMY

Oh, I see. So which one of us should start?

PENNY

I don't know, does it matter?

AMY

Of course it matters! Here, think of kissing like the fundamental particles.

PENNY

Nevermind! I'll go first.

AMY

Then I guess that would make you a boson. (WINKING)

PENNY

What did you just call me?

AMY

Bosons are force-carrying particles, which means that they're made up of tiny bundles of energy.

PENNY

How is that anything like a kiss?

AMY

Light is made up of photons and bosons, and kissing has its own elementary particles too.

PENNY

So you're the photon?

AMY

Exactly. There are also particles made up of quarks. Think of-

PENNY

Ughhh. How long is this gonna take? I'm a little quarked up to be listening to a lecture.

AMY

(FINISHING OFF HER DRINK) So we're really doing this?

PENNY

Yup. Just close your eyes, and-

AMY

The last time someone said that it was my grandpa and he put a pickled beet on my tongue.

PENNY

Ew. Enough about grandpas and furbies!

AMY

Then what should we talk about? And where should I put my hands?

PENNY

Less talking, more kissing.

They kiss, first chastely, and then, with tongue. The pace is unhurried until they pull apart.

PENNY

So. Whaddayou think?

AMY

I'm not sure. It's hard to say...but, it's a little like kissing Sheldon, I guess. Maybe a little less passionate, but overall one of the most-

PENNY

Excuse me?

AMY

I didn't mean that as an insult!

PENNY

How? You just told me the Sheldinator 3000 is a better kisser than me! Sheldon is a scientist, kissing is supposed to be my thing!

PENNY kisses AMY again, hands in her hair. AMY looks shook.

AMY

Wow.

PENNY

Bet that was at least nine quarks.

AMY

More like a tachyon!

PENNY

English, please!

AMY

It's a hypothetical particle that travels faster than the speed of light.

PENNY

I'm taking that as a compliment! Still think Sheldon is better than me?

AMY

(BLUSHING) Well, maybe if we run the experiment through one more time...

PENNY

Alrightie. Looks like my work here is done.


End file.
